i just finished reading the book of jeremiah this morning and i have to say that this guy did not have a fun job. i, like most people, don't like to do uncomfortable things. this guys job description was uncomfortable things. God came to him when he was young and told him that he was going to bring God's Word to the people and this word was one that would predict their fall and destruction. most people don't enjoy being told how and by whom they are going to be killed by, it's not fun to know. jeremiah though goes on for 51 quite long chapters basically all saying how the people are going to die or be captured and then records their response which isn't generally good.
the thing though that gets me is the 1). jeremiah was faithful to say the words of God. he could have just left them to the destruction and said, "forget this" but he instead warns them about what is going to happen.
2). now in chapter 1, God does promise to protect jeremiah and to not let him die. now God does generally use human means to meet His goals which causes me to think that in order to protect jeremiah, he put into jeremiah a spirit of gentleness and genuine love for the people to see them as people and for him to want the people to come back to God. when jeremiah warned to people, i can't get away from the fact that he must have been trying really hard to win them for Christ even though he knew that they were going to not listen. this right here is hard for me. a guy who is speaking to people who will die, trying to win them; while i speak to people who will not die and who have a chance to be redeemed and yet i have trouble talking to them in love in order to win them. this right here does not make sense. i have been praying for a heart for the souls of man for quite some time now and i see some fruit from that, but i know that i need more of a heart for men's souls. to know that there are souls who are joyously running to hell while not knowing it and i have the means to stop them and do nothing to do so, this is sin and is the equivalent, in my mind, of manslaughter. how can i sit by by and watch men burn. this is as sick as nero who played his violin while rome burned after he lit it on fire (a theory i choose to believe :)
while my heart has been turned from stone to flesh, i need it turned to water so that it may more easily splash on others around me.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
a people of praise
isaiah 43:20-21 "the wild beasts will honor me, the jackals and the ostriches, for i give water in the wilderness, rivers in the desert, to give drink to my chosen people, the people whom i formed for myself that they might declare my praise."
i read this verse just now and i was convicted on how little i praise and worship God in my everyday life. i spend most of my day trying to live for God, trying to build up courage to witness, and to live out Christ but i forget the main reason that we humans are on earth. our main goal is none of those things, we were created for one reason, to worship God. yes, we worship God by and through those things, but they are secondary things to the worship of God. however, in order to worship God correctly, we must be striving to live the way that He wants us to live so that we do not only worship Him with our mouths but also with our actions. our mouths though must be there! people were said that they only worship God with their mouths in the bible but we seldom do that outside of church. i know a few people who sing on a regular basis. we should be singing, and if not singing, then talking a lot about God in our lives.
i read this verse just now and i was convicted on how little i praise and worship God in my everyday life. i spend most of my day trying to live for God, trying to build up courage to witness, and to live out Christ but i forget the main reason that we humans are on earth. our main goal is none of those things, we were created for one reason, to worship God. yes, we worship God by and through those things, but they are secondary things to the worship of God. however, in order to worship God correctly, we must be striving to live the way that He wants us to live so that we do not only worship Him with our mouths but also with our actions. our mouths though must be there! people were said that they only worship God with their mouths in the bible but we seldom do that outside of church. i know a few people who sing on a regular basis. we should be singing, and if not singing, then talking a lot about God in our lives.
Monday, March 22, 2010
today is the day that i died
today marks my 2nd deathday counting from my event. there has been much change in my life since then. most people, if they were faced with my situation would not find joy in it. much has happened in my life yet this is one of the few things that i would absolutely not change. the amount of good that has come from this is amazing.
here are some of those things: first for other people. i have seen the most growth in my dad in these last 2 years then in the rest of his life and it started at my event and God continued from there. he has gone from the leader of our family that is influenced by God to a godly leader who goes to his knees first and from there, God raises him higher then if he were to stand on his own. my event helped him to trust God more and from there, God has brought bigger obstacles, for my dad, that would cause my dad to trust God even more and more public. it's awesome to see my dad trust on unseen things to take care of all the seen things around him.
my mom has also grown a lot and the best way to put it is that she has grown up since my event. it's cool to think that God has taken a little country girl, had her marry my dad, and make her slowly in to a godly girl though she does still talk like a hick at times ;) through my event, God prepared my mom, slightly, for the life of trust and chaos that would follow. whether it be doctor bills, an engagement, or going to china to get a new brother, my mom really does handle a ton and she handles it well.
its must more difficult to say how my siblings have changed from my event but i can say that in general, we have all gotten close as a family. john has also brought us all together even more which is great. we now do stuff together all the time, or so it seems. i'm not quite used to it yet but i do think its good, though we don't really have any good board games.
it has also been good to see how people around me have responded to it. while it is still kinda embarrassing, my story makes you think about death and the fact that it could come at any second and i am in the 3% of people who survive. so what makes you think you'll have more time? if God will use this event to get people to stop thinking about the life that they are living so that they think about death so that they will think about the life that they are going to be living so that they can live for that life now, i am excited for that. i want to see that happen. that would encourage and bring joy to my heart.
my event has also effected me a lot. k, so that is a little bit of an understatement but oh well. first though, i would not wish what happened to me on anyone else. while it has been great for me, God totally prepared me for this to happen so that it would be a good thing. for this to happen to me was great, it was what i needed. there are though a lot of "tough" things though and i'm sure most people wouldn't enjoy them.
with that said though, i'm glad that i die. my death has been one of the greatest factors for me in finding out what i should do with my life. i now know that there is nothing else that i can do that i want to do and that i would enjoy to do with my life except to do ministry. i would go even farther and say public ministry, some form of teaching/evangelism (i am a coward so i would not at all be surprised if God had me do evangelism because i fear man so much). i feel compelled and convicted that i have to do this with my life, which basically means that if i do anything else, it's sin. so, i have a really short lists of jobs to narrow down, all i got to do is to foster my relationship with God and let Him do the rest (though really my fostering my relationship with God is really all God's doing so i just basically have to do nothing except what i want to do so that's quite nice because what i want to do is to please God, so it works).
also, i have even less energy than i had before i died so i have to think through on how i want to use the little energy i have. this is good for me because i have to only do the things that are most important to me. this really shows where my heart is at. i can't stay up late any more and do everything that i want, i can only do the things that are important to me which means that i have to choose between God and other things. i have seen where i will choose other things but i have also seen how God is working on making me not want those things any more so that i can spend my energy for Him. i am excited to forget the things of this world.
well, there are more things that i could write but my morning is quickly escaping me so i will end it here. but i'll end with this. i can't remember anything that happened the morning that i die. i just woke up a few days later in the hospital. so, if your heart were to go into V.Fib today and you were to pass out instantly and die and be in the 97% of people who don't survive V.Fib, would you be ready to die and would you be doing what you want to be doing when you die? i had 3 EKG and 3 echocardiograms before i die and the doctors said that i was fine. if you haven't had any of that or even if you have, your heart could give out at any second, or really any other organ could give out if God chose to do that to you, and you would die, so what would happen to you?
here are some of those things: first for other people. i have seen the most growth in my dad in these last 2 years then in the rest of his life and it started at my event and God continued from there. he has gone from the leader of our family that is influenced by God to a godly leader who goes to his knees first and from there, God raises him higher then if he were to stand on his own. my event helped him to trust God more and from there, God has brought bigger obstacles, for my dad, that would cause my dad to trust God even more and more public. it's awesome to see my dad trust on unseen things to take care of all the seen things around him.
my mom has also grown a lot and the best way to put it is that she has grown up since my event. it's cool to think that God has taken a little country girl, had her marry my dad, and make her slowly in to a godly girl though she does still talk like a hick at times ;) through my event, God prepared my mom, slightly, for the life of trust and chaos that would follow. whether it be doctor bills, an engagement, or going to china to get a new brother, my mom really does handle a ton and she handles it well.
its must more difficult to say how my siblings have changed from my event but i can say that in general, we have all gotten close as a family. john has also brought us all together even more which is great. we now do stuff together all the time, or so it seems. i'm not quite used to it yet but i do think its good, though we don't really have any good board games.
it has also been good to see how people around me have responded to it. while it is still kinda embarrassing, my story makes you think about death and the fact that it could come at any second and i am in the 3% of people who survive. so what makes you think you'll have more time? if God will use this event to get people to stop thinking about the life that they are living so that they think about death so that they will think about the life that they are going to be living so that they can live for that life now, i am excited for that. i want to see that happen. that would encourage and bring joy to my heart.
my event has also effected me a lot. k, so that is a little bit of an understatement but oh well. first though, i would not wish what happened to me on anyone else. while it has been great for me, God totally prepared me for this to happen so that it would be a good thing. for this to happen to me was great, it was what i needed. there are though a lot of "tough" things though and i'm sure most people wouldn't enjoy them.
with that said though, i'm glad that i die. my death has been one of the greatest factors for me in finding out what i should do with my life. i now know that there is nothing else that i can do that i want to do and that i would enjoy to do with my life except to do ministry. i would go even farther and say public ministry, some form of teaching/evangelism (i am a coward so i would not at all be surprised if God had me do evangelism because i fear man so much). i feel compelled and convicted that i have to do this with my life, which basically means that if i do anything else, it's sin. so, i have a really short lists of jobs to narrow down, all i got to do is to foster my relationship with God and let Him do the rest (though really my fostering my relationship with God is really all God's doing so i just basically have to do nothing except what i want to do so that's quite nice because what i want to do is to please God, so it works).
also, i have even less energy than i had before i died so i have to think through on how i want to use the little energy i have. this is good for me because i have to only do the things that are most important to me. this really shows where my heart is at. i can't stay up late any more and do everything that i want, i can only do the things that are important to me which means that i have to choose between God and other things. i have seen where i will choose other things but i have also seen how God is working on making me not want those things any more so that i can spend my energy for Him. i am excited to forget the things of this world.
well, there are more things that i could write but my morning is quickly escaping me so i will end it here. but i'll end with this. i can't remember anything that happened the morning that i die. i just woke up a few days later in the hospital. so, if your heart were to go into V.Fib today and you were to pass out instantly and die and be in the 97% of people who don't survive V.Fib, would you be ready to die and would you be doing what you want to be doing when you die? i had 3 EKG and 3 echocardiograms before i die and the doctors said that i was fine. if you haven't had any of that or even if you have, your heart could give out at any second, or really any other organ could give out if God chose to do that to you, and you would die, so what would happen to you?
Sunday, March 21, 2010
what to do?
i am at the point in my life where i have nothing really keeping me where i am at. i have no huge responsibilities that keep me from leaving, no girl, no job that i can't leave really, a church that would support me at least with prayers, and no school. with that said, i am still wondering what i should be doing now. i know that i am called to ministry, i just don't know what ministry. i love kids, people, the lost, souls, teaching, studying, and the world; that basically covers the spectrum, so what am i to do?
i am not really worried about finding out what i am to do but i am worried that i am not spending my time the best way that i can. i do what i can to study as much as i can and i am praying that God would give me an even greater love for the Word. i do struggle much with fear of man so i am also working and praying through all of that, which is discouraging cuz i am so fearful. my prayer life is not good, i would probably call it terrible, which is also annoying. i am praying more than i every have but i am still not praying without ceasing. i am encouraged because i have seen a great part of my flesh killed which i have been struggling to kill for years and at shepherd's conference this year, i don't even remember what it was, but something caused me to realize that i need to trust God's timing with all things and i am now much more content with life in general. it is not enough though to just kill flesh but we also must pray that God would grow our souls. we must become more like Christ, not just less like the world. it takes both things.
so far, this post has been no conclusive, so what is the prognosis? well, all i can do now is to do what i feel led to do. there is one thing that really appeals to me and that is teaching and studying. i love to teach and to have the need/accountability to have to study, that is good for me. so, i am going to do what is needful for that profession. however, i know what God is good and that He can do anything he wants to do with me, so i am totally open to do whatever. i am even loose with my life. i would really have no problem dying. i have died before though it wasn't dramatic, as far as i know. i am not sure i could stand torture but i am not afraid to die. i am curious though how this view will change if God gives me a wife. so as of now, i guess i will be going to school and such though i do not really want to. i would rather just go and be like paul who went out in the wilderness for a few years and then came back and taught. why can't we do that nowadays. i do understand why we do but i wish we didn't have to do it this way. oh well though
i am not really worried about finding out what i am to do but i am worried that i am not spending my time the best way that i can. i do what i can to study as much as i can and i am praying that God would give me an even greater love for the Word. i do struggle much with fear of man so i am also working and praying through all of that, which is discouraging cuz i am so fearful. my prayer life is not good, i would probably call it terrible, which is also annoying. i am praying more than i every have but i am still not praying without ceasing. i am encouraged because i have seen a great part of my flesh killed which i have been struggling to kill for years and at shepherd's conference this year, i don't even remember what it was, but something caused me to realize that i need to trust God's timing with all things and i am now much more content with life in general. it is not enough though to just kill flesh but we also must pray that God would grow our souls. we must become more like Christ, not just less like the world. it takes both things.
so far, this post has been no conclusive, so what is the prognosis? well, all i can do now is to do what i feel led to do. there is one thing that really appeals to me and that is teaching and studying. i love to teach and to have the need/accountability to have to study, that is good for me. so, i am going to do what is needful for that profession. however, i know what God is good and that He can do anything he wants to do with me, so i am totally open to do whatever. i am even loose with my life. i would really have no problem dying. i have died before though it wasn't dramatic, as far as i know. i am not sure i could stand torture but i am not afraid to die. i am curious though how this view will change if God gives me a wife. so as of now, i guess i will be going to school and such though i do not really want to. i would rather just go and be like paul who went out in the wilderness for a few years and then came back and taught. why can't we do that nowadays. i do understand why we do but i wish we didn't have to do it this way. oh well though
Thursday, March 4, 2010
take-aways from day two
going into this conference, i was looking forward to the books that i was hopefully going to get, the singing/fellowship/worship that was going to take place, and the teaching that i would get to hear.
the conference is now 2/3 over and i must say that i am totally encouraged to get home and start living. my soul has been refreshed over this trip and i am so excited to get home and to do my own study and reading and then live it out. i do know that after awhile, some of this will wear down but i also know that if God is willing to keep me faithful in spiritual exercises, then most of this fervor will stay with me, i pray at least.
i want to come home and serve, and through my service - lead. i want to come home and study so that i may understand the person of God so that i may love Him more, so that i can then share and explain this love to other people so that they may love Him more. i want to do that. i want to see God kill sin in my life and to make me more like Him so that i may glorify Him in all that i do. i need and want to pray more so that these things may happen. i want to come home and live with people and not just around people. i want to get involved in people's lives and to allow them to get involved in my life so that we may encourage each other towards Christ and sanctification.
i'm excited, needless to say, to live out what i have learned and i am willing to do what God has placed on my heart as long as i can. now the hard part will take place soon: going home and actually doing all of this that i want to do. i know that at a retreat like this, it is easy to think of everything that we want to do, but in all reality, we can't do it all, i know that. these are just things that i want to do. i know i can't change the world or anything really, but i can, by God help, change myself, and that is the work that i will set out to do. while doing that, i also hope to influence some other people along the way towards Christ as well. this life isn't easy and then we die, but we are not called to an easy life but to a glorified life. nothing worth having is easy to get, why should eternal life be any different. it is the most glorious, great, awesome, wonderful, amazing, needful thing that we can get, so if it is the best, then shouldn't it also be the hardest, most outrageous, difficult, going-against-the-grain thing we have to work for? God is good though, He does all the work, all we have to do it serve Him with our pathetic lives.
we serve a good God.
the conference is now 2/3 over and i must say that i am totally encouraged to get home and start living. my soul has been refreshed over this trip and i am so excited to get home and to do my own study and reading and then live it out. i do know that after awhile, some of this will wear down but i also know that if God is willing to keep me faithful in spiritual exercises, then most of this fervor will stay with me, i pray at least.
i want to come home and serve, and through my service - lead. i want to come home and study so that i may understand the person of God so that i may love Him more, so that i can then share and explain this love to other people so that they may love Him more. i want to do that. i want to see God kill sin in my life and to make me more like Him so that i may glorify Him in all that i do. i need and want to pray more so that these things may happen. i want to come home and live with people and not just around people. i want to get involved in people's lives and to allow them to get involved in my life so that we may encourage each other towards Christ and sanctification.
i'm excited, needless to say, to live out what i have learned and i am willing to do what God has placed on my heart as long as i can. now the hard part will take place soon: going home and actually doing all of this that i want to do. i know that at a retreat like this, it is easy to think of everything that we want to do, but in all reality, we can't do it all, i know that. these are just things that i want to do. i know i can't change the world or anything really, but i can, by God help, change myself, and that is the work that i will set out to do. while doing that, i also hope to influence some other people along the way towards Christ as well. this life isn't easy and then we die, but we are not called to an easy life but to a glorified life. nothing worth having is easy to get, why should eternal life be any different. it is the most glorious, great, awesome, wonderful, amazing, needful thing that we can get, so if it is the best, then shouldn't it also be the hardest, most outrageous, difficult, going-against-the-grain thing we have to work for? God is good though, He does all the work, all we have to do it serve Him with our pathetic lives.
we serve a good God.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
is your life worth defending?
the closing session of the shepherd's conference tonight was a huge encouragement to me in an unusually way. the session was on living with and in integrity. with regards to the whole message, it was a huge kick in the butt to start to live my life the way that i should. i want to only do the things that if this were my last day on earth, these would be the things that i want to do. i am not at all there yet but i do want to do that and i think that in time, i can grow to that. so that was a kick in the pants.
however, there was something in the message that encouraged me that he didn't really say but it did come to my mind and i think that the line can be drawn from the message to this thought:
i have done many stupid and wicked sins in the past but that is just it, they are in the past. i am not judge on those any more, i have been forgiven. i must still admit those sins, but they are dealt with through Christ death on the cross for those very sins. i have been holding onto the guilt from my past sins since i have been convicted on them and i have realized tonight that this is wrong. i have been making little of Christ atonement of those sins. i will still struggle with this but i think that with prayer, God is good and will work me through this.
it is now time for bed so i won't be explaining this more, sorry if that bothers you
however, there was something in the message that encouraged me that he didn't really say but it did come to my mind and i think that the line can be drawn from the message to this thought:
i have done many stupid and wicked sins in the past but that is just it, they are in the past. i am not judge on those any more, i have been forgiven. i must still admit those sins, but they are dealt with through Christ death on the cross for those very sins. i have been holding onto the guilt from my past sins since i have been convicted on them and i have realized tonight that this is wrong. i have been making little of Christ atonement of those sins. i will still struggle with this but i think that with prayer, God is good and will work me through this.
it is now time for bed so i won't be explaining this more, sorry if that bothers you
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