thoughts on a public ministry

as many people know and to those of you who don't, i want to be a pastor. it is the only thing that i can possible do with my life that i know that i would not be wasting my life doing and i don't want to waste my life so i must be a pastor.
i have heard other pastors so that the greatest need of their congregation is their pastor's personal holiness. while i think that is needful, i would go a step further and so that the greatest thing for a pastor's soul is his personal holiness. a pastor is held responsible for the souls of his congregation. if he doesn't teach the truth to the best of his ability and do as much as he can for his flock, then it is on his soul in the end of time. so then what is the best thing for the congregation? by what means will they get the purest form of the truth? if the pastor is personally holy.
so, a pastor must seek to be holy for his congregation's sake and because of their sake, it is then for the pastor's own sake. so a teacher must first be holy for his congregation, and then for himself.
i have much work to do. i am so far away. there is so much time that i waste that i could be doing things that will help me. i must put off my childish acts so that i may be personally holy as i teach this summer and then through out my life. one thing is that i must spend way less time doing silly things on the computer, mostly on facebook and hulu. i must stop. it is fruitless. there is one thing, one book that i must know above all and that is what i must be spending my time in. at this stage in my life, i am in the desert as paul spent his 3 years in the desert. this is my time to learn all that i can so that in the days to come, i will be able to teach and not labor to study as i must now. reading and studying will always be an essential part of my life, but not near to the point that it must be now.
it's time to kill some flesh

and here we go

i just finished habakkuk this morning as i am reading through the bible and it struck how these men where prophesying about the destruction of nations and how the people alway thought that they were fine and that the end was not near. then the end came and they were killed and basically all went to hell.
it is interesting to read this about something that happened 2700 years ago (i'm guess at the date, i'm not really sure how long ago it was but i should be in the ballpark for the date) and it happened back then, meaning that the destruction did come. so what of today? in the NT there are multiple references about how we are in the last days and that was over 2000 years ago, so what are we in now, the moments? so if we are in the last moments, shouldn't we be using our last moments for what really matters and what really counts? we need to step up and live like it is our last day because it could very well be our last day. we have no idea when the lord will be coming back so we should get up and do the work that we are told to do.
we must be active

who is God?

i got up at my normal wake up time today so that i could get ready for church today as i do on most every sunday. today i have some extra time though because i don't have any extra sound tech work to do before church (which i just remembered in writing this that i do, so i will have to leave a few minutes early but that is fine). so because i have extra time, i thought that i would spend it in prayer for that is something that i struggle with, praying for long periods of set time. i thought that i would try to write it down to help me better stay focus, but a curious thought hit me. i enjoy writing. i like to spin words to make them sound nice or poetic or whatever. i like to write. so while thinking about writing out a prayer, i thought that if i were to do this, i would be writing and not praying. it would quickly turn into how do i want to state this rather than a conversation with God. i would be writing something nice but not sincere.
how often do we do this any ways in our normal day-to-day prayers? we talk one way in life and then we talk a different way to God, no, they should be the same. we first need to elevate our daily conversations but we also need to truthfully pray to God. it isn't good to say the "right" words and yet not even know what or possible even who you are talk to or about. we need to know the God we are praying to and we need to pray to the God that we know. we should look at our prayers and ask, "do we really believe that?" and go from there. there is also the other side, if we do believe it, does our lives show it? do we live as to the God that we pray to?
both sides of this is something that i am guilty of, which probably means that most people out there are guilty of at least half of this sin (which is really a whole sin but i won't get into that).
so then pray to the God that you know, and know the God that you pray to

the frailty of my soul

while looking to this easter season that we are now coming into, i look to myself to see how i am while in this graceful season of my life. as i look into my own soul, i am scared at what i find. i see a young man who, instead of living for God, i live for myself. i follow the laws of God that are convenient at the time for me and i am scared that i am like that. i want to be a man after the heart of God, not one who pleases self.
i see the problem and i pray that God will give me the strength to do what i must. i can't live like the world. i am set apart; i am different; i am alive; i am saved, yet i live just like the world. this is not to be. i see my heart and i see filth, not Christ. what am i to do? i am so weak, there is nothing i can do. i always fail. no matter how long i stop a sin, i eventually fail. there is much fighting, much parrying and many wounds in this battle for my soul, but i see little victory, only failure. how can i cleanse my heart? there seems to be no end to the rags that are needed to cleanse my heart. i trample on the robe that i am clothed with, that Christ gave me to cover my sins.
i do not make little of Christ's sacrifice. i know i am perfectly clean in Christ. this is not the point. the point is that i am to live like Christ now that i am save and i see myself falling short here. the only reason i fail is because i choose sin over God and nothing else. the good that is worked in my i know is only of God because of how black my heart is. i need more Christ in my life, the problem is that i already have Christ and Him to the fullest for he withholds no good thing from His children. i am just so sinful. my past sins are forgiven but it is my future sins that i am worried about. i see the sin that my flesh wants to do and i am afraid that i might do it. what am i to do about a soul that is run by it's flesh, for my flesh is so weak thus making it strong.
i pray that i my surpass paul and do the things that i want to do and not do the things that i don't want to do.