while looking to this easter season that we are now coming into, i look to myself to see how i am while in this graceful season of my life. as i look into my own soul, i am scared at what i find. i see a young man who, instead of living for God, i live for myself. i follow the laws of God that are convenient at the time for me and i am scared that i am like that. i want to be a man after the heart of God, not one who pleases self.
i see the problem and i pray that God will give me the strength to do what i must. i can't live like the world. i am set apart; i am different; i am alive; i am saved, yet i live just like the world. this is not to be. i see my heart and i see filth, not Christ. what am i to do? i am so weak, there is nothing i can do. i always fail. no matter how long i stop a sin, i eventually fail. there is much fighting, much parrying and many wounds in this battle for my soul, but i see little victory, only failure. how can i cleanse my heart? there seems to be no end to the rags that are needed to cleanse my heart. i trample on the robe that i am clothed with, that Christ gave me to cover my sins.
i do not make little of Christ's sacrifice. i know i am perfectly clean in Christ. this is not the point. the point is that i am to live like Christ now that i am save and i see myself falling short here. the only reason i fail is because i choose sin over God and nothing else. the good that is worked in my i know is only of God because of how black my heart is. i need more Christ in my life, the problem is that i already have Christ and Him to the fullest for he withholds no good thing from His children. i am just so sinful. my past sins are forgiven but it is my future sins that i am worried about. i see the sin that my flesh wants to do and i am afraid that i might do it. what am i to do about a soul that is run by it's flesh, for my flesh is so weak thus making it strong.
i pray that i my surpass paul and do the things that i want to do and not do the things that i don't want to do.
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