when God is big but i am bigger

i have been praying lately that God would reveal my sin to me so that i may know what to "work on." i am a afraid that i may have asked to see something that i don't want to know.

while i was cleaning and getting the house ready for one28 staff meeting this morning, i was thinking about something, i don't remember quite what, and it lead me to think about my pride. since then, i have come to the conclusion that i am perhaps the most prideful person in the world, especially considering what i have going for me. i mean, what do i have to be prideful of? i can't run, let alone show off, i can hardly remember anything that happened yesterday day any more, i look dead tired all the time, i'm a jerk, which people don't really enjoy hanging out with people who are jerks, and i'm a total sinner. so what do i have going for me personally, meaning what have i done? basically nothing worth bringing attention to, yet i act like i know and can do everything. how pathetic is that!

i'm really not happy about how i have lived my life so far, and i'm only 19. that isn't a whole lot of time to screw up, considering that the first 4 years i can't even remember and the next 8 after that are really fuzzy.

so, i have no recognized the problem, that is great, but the poison that is running through my veins isn't going to stop or help me. no, i must do something. these are a few things that i have thought up today as i was thinking about what to do. first off, pray. i must ask God to give me a higher and more thorough view of Himself and more love for other people. also, to cultivate more love for God which i plan to do by focusing on His character as i read through the bible in the next few months. lastly, which this might be the weirdest one that when i am around people to actually engage with them. i have a hard time talking to people in general so this will be a stretch for me but i also think that it will be good for me.

another thought that i had today. i was thinking about my pride and i came to realize that the thing that i loved most about public speaking is that people come and talk to you and thank you and such. it wasn't so much the study part of it, though i do really enjoy that, deadlines are good for me, but i like the spotlight. with that in mind, i have no idea what God wants me to do with my life. i can't be an effective pastor if i just live to speak on sunday and neglect the church, no, it is people work. it is life work. at the same time though, there is nothing else that i love to do, except read but that isn't really an occupation. i feel drawn to ministry, though i'm afraid it may just be my pride longing for it.

i wish i could grasp how small i really am